Why Can't I Let Go of This Failed Relationship?

When you have been an emotional and physical participant in a romantic relationship you become tied to that person, mentally, physically and spiritually. When the connection is broken, you don't want to let go for a variety of reasons.

1. We sometimes yearn for those things we can't have.

Even as small children we developed the habit of yearning for things that were forbidden to us. Those things seemed much more exciting than the things that were handed to us easily. This same habit follows us into adulthood and those naughty treasures become so appealing that we feel we have no choice for happiness unless we can have them.

Many women and men use this tactic to induce a measure of attraction in the object of their affection. They like to play hard to get which causes the other person to work harder to get close to them.

Allow me to warn you: THIS IS A GAME for the immature. A GROWN person listens to and respects the wishes of another. No head games are necessary in a healthy romantic relationship.

If you want it, and it wants you, then it is for you. If you are trying to hold on to it, and it is not trying to hold on to you, let it go.

2. We want control.

If we could control the number of hours in a day, we would probably shorten the days and prolong the nights so that we could have more rest. There are some things we can't control and one of them is the actions of others.

We can't force someone to love us, to be our friend or to treat us in the way we think we deserve to be treated. Why try? It's a moot activity because when the person alters their normal behaviour to give us what we want, they aren't doing it out of love for us, they are doing it out of fear.
Do you really want someone's love that is rooted in fear?

I hope you don't.

You want someone who will give you their devotion willingly, that way, it will last longer. Let go of the need to be in control of the relationship.

3. We can't imagine that we will ever experience the "high" of that relationship again.

The first smile. The first kiss. The first time the person gave us a thoughtful surprise. Ahh..those are all momentous occasions in any relationship. But...when the relationship proves to be a mismatch, we tend to cling on to those rare, but special memories, discounting the reason why the relationship did not work out in the end.

Will anyone ever hold me again?

Will anyone ever tell me they love me?

Will I ever have sex again with someone who actually cares?

Yes. Yes. And yes. You will.

But it will never come if you are constantly looking backward at what you now perceive to be your last chance at love. It wasn't your last chance. That relationship was merely a stepping stone, a guiding force into the proper relationship that will aid in your personal development.

Your future has in store for you, treasures that you can not imagine. You will experience that "high" again but first, you have to believe you will.

Youtube Video: Why Does A Break-Up Hurt So Badly?

How To Move On After A Break-Up

If you are in a situation where you are involved in a relationship and the person you are involved with wants to leave, you may feel like your heart is being ripped apart. You tried everything you could to stay together, to be more pleasing, to forgive and forget, and still your partner looks you in the face and says, "It's over."

That happened to me six years ago and it took me 6 years to really get over it. I'll share my story with you.

Six years ago I was pregnant with my second child from a man who did not want to be in a relationship with me. Not only did I feel like I was losing the love of my life I also felt that his leaving me meant that something was wrong with me. Why else would he want to walk away from the family he created?

I battled depression over the situation and I became engrossed in proving to him and myself that he had made a mistake. In fact, in hindsight, the majority of our relationship was built around me trying to prove to him that I was the best choice for his wife.

How silly it seems now, but back then I thought he was the hottest thing walking. I had never met a man so creative, so intelligent and so charming. He charmed the hearts of everyone he encountered but behind closed doors he consistently criticized me for not being like his other female friends.

"Why don't you dress like so and so?"

"Why don't you cook like so and so?"

"Why aren't you more well versed in politics like so and so?"

His comments sent me into a pit of self pity for years wondering if I could ever be good enough to win his love.

I shake my head at the thought now that I realize that a person who is unable to bring out the best in you by looking at you with love and appreciating who you really are, is more than likely doing the same thing to his/herself.

A person will give what they want to receive or what they expect to receive in return. If a person is constantly critisizing you then that means that they believe they deserve criticism in return. If a person gives love and encouragement then that means that they desire the same thing in return.

Even though I learned this, it took me many years to GET IT. And even when I GOT IT, it wasn't until I realized that what I had was not what I thought it was, that I was able to let it go.

I thought he was the most handsome man that I had ever met. I've met even more handsome men since then.
I thought he was the most ambitious man that I had ever met. I've met men who were more successful, more powerful and more creative than he was.
I thought that he was the only man who could make me cry during an intimate encounter. ~smile~ I was wrong.

Some people say that the best way to get over a relationship is to jump into another one. For years I disagreed due to the fact that I thought this replacement love would only yield the same results as the first one. Now that I have re evaluated my stance and studied more intensely the relationships around me, I can understand that there is an element of truth in this statement.

No, I'm not suggesting that you run out and find someone else to attach yourself to. I believe the reason why I can honestly say I'm over him, is the fact that I have met many more men who had the qualities that I admired in him, yet they treated me much better. Open your eyes and take your focus off of the one who walked away and you will begin to see the same thing too. Until you are able to recognize that you have the ability to become involved in another relationship, you will remain stuck in the pain from the last one.

The reason you may still be attached to the person who left you is because you don't believe that anyone else will arouse those feelings of passion, attraction and love.

Believe me when I tell you, once you are able to understand that your last relationship was NOT your LAST RELATIONSHIP, you can breathe easier knowing that you will have your turn one day.

Yes, I am still single but I have come to appreciate and respect this time in my life. I am no longer lonely and I have more joy now that I am not waiting for someone's approval to trigger my own self satisfaction. I had to learn the hard way but I am proud that I learned that lesson.

Allow me to be the first to say, there is nothing wrong with you.

The person you were with was simply not a good match for you and therefore had to be removed from your life so that you could receive someone who is a better fit. I'm sure this statement doesn't feel all that comforting when you are awake at night and all you want is a hug from someone who cares. During those times I would turn to those things that brought me comfort like writing or reading or talking with my friends.

It's okay to feel dissappointed over a failed relationship, but really no relationship that ends can be constituted as a failure because during that relationship you grew as a person, you learned how to better define what you do want from a potential life mate and you are now better equipped to recognize the ONE when you do meet him or her.

If there's nothing else that I want you to understand, please consider these three points:

1. There is NOTHING wrong with you.
2. Your last relationship was NOT your LAST RELATIONSHIP.
3. Since you have been freed from being with someone who did not return your same level of commitment and emotion you are now FREE to receive someone who will.

Please don't allow your past to hinder your future. What you are hoping for is right around the corner if you choose to recognize that your best life is never tied to someone who walked away. You never lose anything that belongs to you. When you think you have "lost" something or someone you have actually just made room for an upgrade to come into your life.

Believe that.

Trust it.

I promise you.

Your Fantasy: Moving On After A Break-Up

Being a part of a romantic relationship is one of the most joyous forms of interaction in life. The intense attraction, the courtship, the excitement of realizing that the person you like actually likes you back are are unequaled in the WOW factor.

Unfortunately, as we all grow and learn, the people we love may not grow with us, or they grow in a direction that is not pleasing to us and either we have to move on or they decide to.

Immediately after a break up we experience a variety of emotions where we question ourselves and the path we are on in life. This week, we'll explore the best ways to make a succesful transition from a relationship hangover to being blissfully single.

Join me as we discover how to get over a bad break-up and how to smoothly skate on to a more joyous period of your life.

I'm right here with you. Everything will be just fine.

Yours In Love,

Te-Erika