Thursday, August 23, 2007

FREE Your Mind- Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship

Words by Te-Erika

Throughout your lifetime, you will engage in a variety of relationships with a lot of people. From friendships to dating to casual acquaintances, the experiences that you encounter during these relationships will ultimately affect how you treat the new people who come into your life.

Most of the time, these relationships are fun and add to our lives in an important way. Other times, however, these relationships can be unhealthy and can become harmful to you or other people involved. Unhealthy relationships can be detrimental because either you or the other party involved can get hurt physically or emotionally.

While physical bruises heal, they often lead to psychological scarring that may take even longer to heal. Emotional bruises, due to physical or emotional abuse may lead to fear of social interaction an unhealthy mistrust of people.

This information guide was created to help you to understand the signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship and to learn ways to change a bad situation.

What is a healthy relationship?
In healthy relationships you and the person you are interacting with feel good about each other and yourselves. You spend time with one another and are comfortable talking about how you feel about each other. There is a mutual respect of ideas and opinions and a loving support of each other’s goals and lifestyle choices.

You might disagree or argue at certain times but in healthy relationships there is often a compromise met when both people put the success of the relationship above their own personal pride.

What is an unhealthy relationship?
An unhealthy relationship is one that that is rooted in something other than a mutual respect and admiration for each other. You spend time together out of obligation or fear of loneliness. That person’s opinion or presence in your life takes precedence over your own opinions or contentment with yourself.

When you are involved in an unhealthy relationship at times you feel as though you are still alone. You are afraid to speak your mind because of how it may affect the other person which forces you to hide who you really are.

Most unhealthy relationships are about control. Their controlling behavior stems from their own insecurity. They don't believe they are worthy to have someone love them of their own free will, so they will force their partner to be with them by using subtle or blatant tactics like these:

Giving ultimatums
Extreme pressure to comply
Denying affection or attention
Threatening to harm themselves or take away loved ones
Physical or verbal abuse
Emotional abuse
Sexual abuse

Q: My boyfriend gets mad if I hang out with other people. He says that he should be my best friend. I love him but I love my other friends too. What do I do now?

Talk to your boyfriend about why he doesn’t like you to hang out with other people. Most likely, his reasoning is rooted in insecurity. Explain to him that it is important that you spend time together, but it is just as important that you spend time apart sometimes, this way you will value each other’s presence more.

If he still disagrees then you have to weigh your personal freedom against the love he has shown you. Is love really about control? Is love really represented in anxiety or fear? It’s not.

Slowly make your transition away from this relationship. It won’t change if you get married or engaged. If he is controlling you now and you submit to his demands, he will only continue to do the same thing because you have taught him that you accept it.


Q: My girlfriend refuses to have sex with me if I don’t meet her demands. Sometimes our relationship seems to be at a standstill when I won’t give in. What do I do?

Let it go. A relationship is not supposed to be a tug of war. It’s not about winning or losing. A healthy relationship is a road paved with compromise and the best relationships are those where individual place each other’s needs before their own.

If each individual in a relationship is consistently looking out for the emotional needs of the other person involved their needs are fulfilled and appreciated. The couple who supports each other in every way, will continue to grow into a stable lifetime relationship.

What are the signs that I am in an abusive or unhealthy relationship?
There are many signs that you could be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. If these statements describe your relationship you don’t have to wonder if you are at risk.

Your friend or the person you are going out with:

 bosses you around, makes all the decisions, tells you what to do
 tells you what to wear, who to talk to, where you can go
 is violent towards people or animals
 pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don't want to do
 tries to pressure you to form harmful habits
 degrades you or uses foul language toward you
 publicly humiliates you
 punishes you
 has physically hurt you
 is possessive of your time and attention
 tells you that you will never find anyone better

If you are questioning whether or not your relationship is unhealthy, here’s your answer: It probably is.

Remember, relationships are voluntary. We live in a free society that does not mandate marriage or dating. It is your choice to walk away or break free. You owe it to yourself and your future children to gather the strength and live free from fear.

Love yourself more.

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